Roberto and Sonia Flores have seen more than their share of the ups and downs of foster care in their 25+ years as foster parents. They began their foster care journey in New York when their church had an open house. The Flores’ had 3 biological children. They were told that one of their children had such a severe language disability…that he would not ever graduate high school. That diagnosis and outcome was not acceptable to Robert and Sonia. They were never willing to quit. It only put a challenge before the family that they must conquer. With the right help and structure, their son not only graduated, but is now attending Yale while also a preacher. So, when the Flores learned that New York had a need for Hispanic families to care for foster children, they thought, “Maybe there are a lot of kids we can help” and “We have space.” They opened up their home to children of many needs and many ages.

The Flores family has some stories to tell from New York, from their first foster child being blind to Hilary Clinton visiting a cocaine addicted newborn they were caring for. In spite of many ups and downs, the rewards and purpose outweighed it all so that when they moved to Connecticut they looked to continue to do foster care. The Flores’ came to CRI, whom they have now faithfully worked with for 15 years.

The Flores’ express extreme respect and care for the social workers they have worked and bonded with. They have had to call for emergency help and have had psychologists give them specific tools and support while sitting on their couch. The Flores family has a very sincere relationship with the agency where they bring up struggles and concerns, knowing they will be supported and helped. They were part of opening up the Spanish unit at CRI. They have worked hard and long through it all. At one time they had only about 50 members in their church and yet they had recruited 17 of them to do foster care with them, making their own community of support.

When asked about what fears they had about foster care before going into it, the Flores’ were very honest. They said that they feared the loss of privacy they would experience and having to change things in their family. They have managed to bridge that. Their biological children have become so impacted by foster care that one of their children works for a residential home of children with special needs and is being recruited to be a foster dad himself. The Flores’ biological children learned to care for other’s who are struggling because these kids were in their home. They lived with them and they were at their dinner table. They care more for other people as a result.

When asked about what the great things about foster parenting are, Sonia quickly replied that “reunifications are the best”. She works hard to place values into the children to love their parents despite their mistakes and to win over the parents so they are a team. The Flores family retains relationships with most of their foster children, receiving much appreciation from the biological parents and affection from the children (of whom many are all grown up). One is in the army and still calls on every birthday and holiday.

The Flores family warns that sometimes things don’t work out and a child cannot or doesn’t want to stay, whether they don’t like the structure or just need more help. But, Roberto shares, “No foster parent is perfect, but it is how you handle it and if you can ventilate yourself in a hard situation and come back to it” Sonia continued, “Sometimes the moment you want to quit is the moment you are about to be amazed. Some people are looking for a perfect child. It doesn’t exist. A foster parent has to be involved. I have my own goals for each of these kids even if they don’t have those goals.” Sonia and Roberto have certainly seen so many of those goals met and there are so many children that can attest that much of their success is because of this family’s commitment.

CRI can never truly express their gratitude for families like the Flores’ for their commitment and love for the children they care for. They are truly inspirational.

Alright – now since this is the internet and no one will really know the answers to these questions…you can answer them honestly. Just read through these questions and keep reading until you indeed never did any of these things and then you are eliminated from the game…

Ready?
Okay:
Have you ever…Lied to your parents?
Have you ever…sad a bad word?
Have you ever …drunk alcohol before you were legally allowed to?
Have you ever… tried a cigarette?
Have you ever …skipped your homework?
Have you ever …skipped a class at school?
Have you ever …yelled at your sibling…something you didn’t mean just because you were mad?
Have you ever …sulked around the house because you were depressed?
Have you ever…slammed a door?
Have you ever…come home past curfew?
Have you ever…gone farther in a physical relationship than was perhaps wise?
Have you ever…gotten in trouble at school?
Everyone still in the game? Yeah. Me too.
So, if you played this in a group of friends (with even more shocking “Have you ever’s” than above) you’d find that it is actually full of humor, embarrassment …and a lot of relief to find out that other people had done a LOT of foolish stuff particularly in adolescence that you had done as well. Amazingly – we all turned out all right, not perfect mind you, but definitely all right.
So, we ask…why do we turn away foster kids so quickly when they do the same things? They have more reason to have quick emotional responses, anger, sadness and frustration and yet when they do the same things we ourselves did when we were younger, we push them away, label them, and diagnose them. I wonder…if we just put our face in their place, would we feel differently, take longer to make quick judgments, walk alongside them in their moments of struggle and say, “Hey, yeah…I did that once too.”

An honest look at some myths about foster care and foster children….

Myth – Foster Children did something wrong – that is why they are in foster care

FALSE – Foster children are in the system because they are the victims of abuse, neglect or abandonment. Their parents have made some bad choices and done the wrong things. Though sometimes foster children have poor behavior (we all would if we had been through what they have been through, had to learn to cope in our own way, and had never been taught appropriate behavior), all of that is the symptom of the root problem of the abuse they experienced.

Myth – Foster children are not smart

FALSE – Foster children have multiple interruptions to schooling AND have emotional disturbances (including losing their parents, dealing with past abuse, learning to live with a new family) that interrupt a normal school experience. It is true that severe attachment disorder cases do show that the brain functions differently and past abuse can affect learning. However, Foster children have dreams of a future too. They have used their intelligence to make it by in a different way – through survival – either in basic needs or just from day to day of a new school and new foster care placement.

Myth – You have to be young, married, own a home, and stay at home to have a foster children

Not true. We have foster parent who are young, retired and every age in between… working parents and stay at home parents… single parents and two-adult homes…families who rent their homes and families who own their homes. Foster parents come in all packages. We need every single one of those packages.

Myth – All foster kids are going back to their parents

Sometimes true and sometimes false. Depending on where a child and his or her family is at in their journey through the system, they may be fully adoptable or just initially entering into foster care with the hope that their parent can make things work. However, almost 40% of foster children end up needing adoptive homes. That is a lot of kids that are not going back to their birth parents. Please consider adoption. Some children go to kinship care (to relatives). The rest are in foster care temporarily and need good homes to help them heal before they go home. Please consider foster care. We need both foster care and adoptive homes.

Myth – The life of a foster child is without hope.

Though when you hear about a child’s past and when you see all the things a child is currently dealing with…Yes – it can seem pretty hopeless at times. However, a foster child has survived because they have learned skills to cope. They didn’t want to learn possible bad skills – to not attach to others, to manipulate, or to get angry. They learned them because they had to…to survive their situation. They would have learned others skills if they had the opportunity. If they have the opportunity for a safe place to develop their social skills, therapy for their past, and affirmation for the good skills they have learned (resourcefulness, hard work, not giving up), then they can make great strides and overcome great losses. These kids have already proven themselves to be resilient. Miracles happen all the time in the context of healthy, healing, structured and committed foster families.

Myth – I am not equipped to take on a foster child

Probably not true. Though everyone needs to be aware of their time, financial and emotional commitments, so that they would truly be able to give what they need to a foster child, we all are stronger and more capable to care for others than we think. Not only do we have the incredible ability to build another person up, but with the support of a foster care agency, you would have reliable training and on call support for your foster care experience. You would have access to respite care (someone else to care for your foster child when you have emergencies or need a break) as well as your monthly stipend for compensation.

So, if you look into history at St. Valentine (not the cubby bunny marshmallow version of St. Valentine as a naked baby cupid figure), you’ll find something much different than what we celebrate today on St. Valentine’s day.
There are 3 different saints in the Catholic Church named Valentine, however there are 2 saints who have stories that stand out who seem to have their stories blended into one.

One Valentine is said to have been a priest in Rome when single men were made to be soldiers and weren’t allowed to have wives. This Valentine performed marriages in secret and was martyred because of it.

The other main story tells of a man named Valentine that helped prisoners escape harsh torturous confinements. Valentine helps (perhaps heals) a blind imprisoned girl, according to legend. One legend also tells of Valentine, as he himself was imprisoned, sending a letter to a girl and ending it with “from your Valentine”.

Thus we have our Valentine’s tradition and the most expensive flower and chocolate day in history, yet we would do even better to celebrate this holiday with two things, in honor of either St. Valentine:
1 – Celebrate the love in your life – whether it is your spouse, child, or whomever. Not all people in this world are free. We never knowhow long we will have those we love. Let us always tell the people we love that indeed, we love them. In other countries in the past, and even in some places today, people have to hide in secret to be with those they love. Some today are not with those they love. WE MUST NOT FORGET and WE MUST LIVE IN THE KNOWLEDGE OF LOVE.

2 – Do something remarkable for someone. The second St. Valentine story tells of a sacrificial man that tried to free others. There are so many in this world that need to be freed from slavery, helped in poverty, taken out of the imprisonment of their own hard lives, or healed from the illnesses that are physical, mental or emotional. Do something remarkable for someone! It will cost you, as it did Valentine. There is a reason he has been named a saint.

P.S. If you need an idea…of who to love…or how to do something remarkable – we have some ideas for you. Foster children all over the country live in the imprisonment of fear and sadness. They need someone to open their eyes to the light of healing. That could be you! Be a saint to a child in foster care!

Some Reading and Viewing Material about Foster Care
(We don’t promote/suggest any of these, we just list them as possibilities. Please suggest your favorites)

Adult Books:

Orphans of the Living by Jennifer Toth
Another Place at the Table by Kathy Harrison
Damaged by Cathy Glass
One Kid at a Time by Jake Dekker
Finding Fish by Antwone Fisher
Three Little Words by Ashley Rhodes-Courter
A Child Called It or The Lost Boy by Dave Peltzer
What Child is This by Caroline B Cooney
Small Town, Big Miracle by W. C. Martin

Children’s Books:

Maybe Days by Jennifer Wilgocki
Murphy’s Three Homes by Jan Gilman
A Family for Sammy by Kate Gaynor
The Star by Cynthia Lovell
Kids Need to be Safe by Julie Nelson

DVDs:

My Flesh and Blood
Aging Out
Despicable Me
Hotel for Dogs
Who are the Debolts?
Angels in the Outfield
Antwone Fisher
Free Willy
Christmas Bunny
Once in a Blue Moon
ABC – Calling all Angels
Lost and Found Family
Blind Side

Possible Resources for Foster Families:

The Connected Child by Karen Purvis (and her DVD series on Trust-Based Parenting)
Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes
Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck
Beyond Consequences by Heather Forbes
Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray